When it came to choosing who would be inducting

When it came to choosing who would be inducting Bon Jovi into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, it could only be Howard Stern, Bon Jovi told the crowd at Saturday night’s induction ceremony. 

Minutes earlier, Stern delivered a characteristically bawdy address in honor of the classic New Jersey rockers, giving the band plenty of love while clowning on frontman Jon Bon Jovi, guitarist Richie Sambora and Rolling Stone scion Jann Wenner.

Stern’s speech was the first of the evening’s tributes to the 2018 Rock Hall induction class, also including The Cars, Nina Simone, Dire Straits, The Moody Blues and Sister Rosetta Tharpe, many of whom appeared in Cleveland to speak and perform for the crowd, with the taped ceremony airing on May 5 on HBO.

Below, see Stern’s standout jokes.

1. «130 million,» the approximate number of records Bon Jovi has sold in their career, «is ridiculously big,» Stern said. «The average amount of sperm in an average ejaculation is only 100 million. Bon Jovi beat sperm!»

2. Expanding on the number of records Bon Jovi sold, Stern cracked jokes about a few of the band’s rock ‘n’ roll peers in the process. «Creed sold 35 million records, Blondie sold 40 million records, and these guys got into the Hall of Fame, and they didn’t have to wait,» he cracked. «Let me tell you something. Leonard Cohen used to sit at home beating off at night thinking about selling 3 million albums, let alone 130 million.»

3. Stern didn’t have much reverence for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame’s hallowed artifacts, which he described as «Mariah Carey’s tampons and Ike Turner’s boxing gloves.»

4. Ditto for Jann Wenner, the Rolling Stone co-founder and publisher, who Stern dedicated much of his speech to slandering. «This guy doesn’t play a musical instrument, he doesn’t have a band, but he did start a great magazine, Rolling Stone,» he said. «And now it’s the size of a pamphlet. What a business plan, way to go. I read it in about 30 seconds backstage.»

5. But much of Stern’s speech was dedicated to lovingly mocking Bon Jovi’s bandmates, calling the group’s lead singer «the man who singlehandedly destroyed most of the ozone layer in the ’80s with Aqua Net hairspray.»

6. Sambora (and his anatomical parts) were possibly Stern’s favorite targets of the night. «Richie Sambora, the most underrated guitar player in the world…and the man with the biggest penis in Bon Jovi. There was a contest early on, Richie won, but I don’t want to get into the anaconda penis discussion. We’re going to be inducting Richie in the Penis Hall of Fame next week.»

7. «Sambora singlehandedly considered it his mission to help women who could not get dates to feel better about themselves. Over the years, he helped women like Heather Locklear, Cher and Denise Richards,» Stern cracked about Sambora’s romantic endeavors. «I always said it’s a good thing that Richie had a thing for blondes with blue eyes and a nice ass. That’s what motivated him to team up with Jon in the first place.»

8. Stern had plenty of jokes about the band’s early days, like Jon Bon Jovi’s early days working at the iconic Power Station recording studio in New York City. «Jon swept the floors of the legendary recording studio, the Power Station,» he said. «Jon is the world’s most successful janitor.»

9. Same goes for the band’s days when they were «virtually broke» and recording their album 7800 Degrees Fahrenheit. «They were living together in the same apartment in Philadelphia and sleeping on the floor when it was 12 degrees below zero outside. They only had Jon’s hair and (drummer Tico Torres’) farts to keep them warm.»

10. Lastly, Stern couldn’t help but rib Jon Bon Jovi over the Philadelphia Soul, the arena football team he co-owned. «It’s over, Jonny,» he said. «The dream has been realized. No, not the dream of owning a football team. That was ridiculous.»

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